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07:11pm 24/03/2005
 
music: The Rasmus, Not like the other girls (<-totally random)
Changed my mind. I'm keeping this one.

I can't comment though. So uh...no one needs to read it. I'm going to use it as a journal to write stuff in....stuff that I don't particularly like. T'will be depressing, certainly. But again I stress...no one needs to read it.

( Stuff Nobody Wants To Hear )

Cheers.		  
     
2 Think Bam is God
 
   
12:47pm 21/03/2005
 
mood: blah
music: HIM, Soul On Fire
Oh boy.

Yeah. This is turning out to be the longest punishment I've ever had. And it's so BORING.......I can't go online unless my mom's breathing down my neck. No thank you, I'll just go without.

I'm rambling. I apologize.

I'm sick. I have a sinus infection. Joy. Um, fyi? Sinus Infection=fever, weakness, horrible headaches, coughing that makes you sound like you have tuberculosis, and sore throats. If you have any of these symptoms....go to a doctor. Get amoxicillin. Be healthy.

Only, the amoxicillin isn't exactly working on me. Of course not. Why on earth would it actually make me better? Why would anything actually work properly on me? *rolls eyes*

Hmm. I had my first therapy session on Friday........and I managed to make the therapist think I was seriously retarded for the first twenty minutes. Because of a door.

Yeah, I'm special.

She wants to send me to a psychiatrist. And she decided this after ONE meeting. In one meeting, she decided that I show symptoms of a serious depression and that she wanted me to see someone who can prescribe medication.

So I should be on about twelve different behavior mods by the end of next week.

Anyway, hopefully my punishment will end soon. And maybe I'll even figure out why LJ isn't letting me comment.

For what it's worth, I miss everyone. :(		  
     
1 Think Bam is God
 
   
12:39am 27/02/2005
 
mood: apathetic
music: Underworld playing behind me. I heart vampires.
Hmm. Only four people have added this poor neglected new journal back. Keldalynn and tenshinoreyire and _tear_stained and ookie. Well. All MY favorite people are here. I'm happy.

So. I've gotten into quite a bit of trouble recently. I failed two classes. Had a meeting with my mother, principal, dean of discipline, and guidence counselor. It was unanimously decided that I sould have counseling. I have a list of recommendations on my desk. In light of all that, my writing has been put on hold. Fuck, my LIFE has been put on hold. I have a sense of deja vu, I'm fairly sure I've written this before, but I'm giving you all a refresher considering the fact that I just had a conversation with my grandmother on this subject. Highly enjoyable, that was. In fact, I recommend everyone to lose their self control, fail most of their classes, and try to explain to your grandmother that you CAN'T explain why this is all happening to you.

I started cutting again. Shhh, don't tell. Can't let my girlfriend know, of course. That would never do. Everyone has become even more convinced that I have an eating disorder. I see my relatives and they say hello, how are you, how much weight did you lose this week? My friend Cecily, who is five feet tall and two hundred and twenty pounds, is starting to look at me even more strangely than usual. I'm almost seven inches taller than her and nearly a hundred pounds lighter. And yet I persist in calling myself fat in her presence. I don't mean to, but I can't help it. It's like a cloud comes down over my eyes and all I see when I look at myself is fat and scars, and I can't help but to hate myself. And then sometimes, random times, the cloud just dissolves, and I look at my wrist and see every bone in my arm, look at my stomach and see hip bones and ribs jutting out of my skin. I don't mean it. And the weird part, the truly disturbing part of it is, I really DO eat. Unless I engage in bulimia while asleep, there's no reason why I should look like this. But who cares, really.

I have tutors, and the counseling's being set up, and eventually I'll be ok. Eventually I'll start to look better, eventually I'll do well in school, eventually I'll be in a normal relationship, eventually I'll be able to write, eventually the nightmares will stop. Eventually my life'll be normal. Eventually is the word my life's been pinned to, everythings waiting on eventually. But I'm beginning to believe that eventually is really only a possibility.		  
     
2 Think Bam is God
 
  riemujasuru
 
 

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